Wednesday, 18 April 2012

12 Types Of People That Turn Up For Every Live Music Event, And How To Spot Them

The Expert

He knows more about music than any other person on the planet. He can provide you with a short description of every music genre, the name of every musician, every group that they played in, every album they released, and the middle names of their stalkers, without being asked. He tends to make people around him feel inadequate.

How to spot him: He’s usually standing off to one side of a club, carefully observing, analysing and memorising every detail of a live performance.

The Entitled One

He was a frequent visitor here when the paint on the walls of this club was still wet. He thinks he knows more about this venue than anyone else, and has a connection to it that no one else does. On a first name basis with both the owners and service staff, he’s proud to have been the first person to see a certain band play at this venue, even though they play here every month.

How to spot him: He has a really smug look on his face when something goes wrong, the expression on his face being “I knew that was going to happen.”

The Wide Eyed Noob

She has spent her whole clueless, protected life hanging out with close friends at pubs around her home, listening to remixes on loop. She doesn’t really know what type of music she likes, but she thinks The Black Eyed Peas are ‘kind of cool’. She doesn’t really care about the band playing tonight. She’s only here because a friend thought it would be a good idea for them to come, and she didn’t have any other plans.

How to spot her: She’s restless; her eyes keep wandering around, looking for interesting things to discuss with her girlfriend, who’s side she doesn’t plan on leaving for the next 2 hours.

The Event-Goer

He doesn’t really care about who’s playing. He’s only here because he’s starved for live entertainment. He’s from out-of-town, earns a respectable income at an IT firm, working long 6 day weeks. He spends Saturday nights at home with his 3 flatmates, eating Indian-Chinese take-out and drinking Fosters, wondering when something interesting is going to happen. He’s usually the first one to buy those Iron Maiden/Bryan Adams tickets.

How to spot him: He’s usually jumping up and down in the middle of the crowd at a live gig, high-fiving strangers.

The Corporate Guy

He doesn’t really get this type of music. Never did. Not even when batch mates tried introducing him to Pink Floyd back in engineering college. He’s been brought up to appreciate a very different kind of music, and this stuff is just noise. He’s only here for appearances sake.

His company just won a major contract, and all the senior executives have decided to come here tonight to celebrate. He can’t say no, though he’d have preferred a more prestigious venue, like a 5 star hotel.

How to spot him: He’s usually sharing a table with other corporate types, laughing a little too loudly at their jokes, and trying to ignore the music.

The Spouse

She’s pushing 40, and is only here because her husband brought her. He said he’d take her someplace nice. She thinks they might have done better, but she’s willing to give this place a try. 

She doesn’t really follow music, or anything else for that matter. She’d never come here on her own, and doesn’t have any friends who’d come with her if she wanted to. She sneaks glances at the other people around her, wondering what their lives are like.

How to spot her: She’s usually in a private VIP booth, sipping a drink, a glazed look on her face.

The Headbanger

He lives to rock, has been waiting weeks for this gig, and plans to start a mosh pit at some point tonight. He has come prepared, and is even wearing a cup. He doesn’t need to eat, but will tank up on alcohol or weed or both, by the end of the night, even though he has little or no money. He wants to immerse himself in the music, and shows disdain for anyone not taking this as seriously as he does, branding them pseudo fans.

How to spot him: The one near the stage, wearing a black rock tee and denims or khaki 3/4ths, along with 500 other people who look just like him.

The Photographer

He’s spent half his annual salary on his photography equipment - camera, lenses and accessories, and is constantly worried that someone may damage them. He’s gotten used to the weird self conscious poses that he gets into for each shot. He checks out other photographers’ equipment to see if it’s better than his.

He has no idea how he’s going to make a living off of this, but he consoles himself with the fact that the perks are good.

How to spot him: He’s the only one closer to the stage than the headbangers.

The Music Journalist

He’s trying to find a balance between working and enjoying the performance. He’s done his research. He knows a bit about this band already. And he can write well. He’s attended gigs before, and he recognises a few familiar faces here - other regulars, fans of the band, people who like his articles, suck-ups who want his job. But for now, he’s more interested in the freebies.

How to spot him: He’s busy taking notes and talking to ‘The Expert’.

The Networker

Some people just want to be where all the popular people are. The Networker will scan the city’s event’s websites, Facebook walls, and Twitter timelines, for upcoming gigs. He was planning to organise a tweetup, but realised attending this gig would be a better idea, since everyone he wants to meet is going to be here. The live music is just incidental.

How to spot him: He’s busy handing out business cards, exchanging numbers, & trying to be funny during breaks in a set.

The Old-timer

Someone who’s clearly in the wrong place. He hoped he’d get a dose of some old school music, something he enjoyed when he was younger, but he can’t understand the music being played in front of him, and realises with a jolt that he doesn’t really belong here. This place is for his kids. So much for that nostalgia trip.

How to spot him: He’s the old guy who leaves after the first song.

The Observer

He appreciates good music, even though he doesn’t always get it. He likes listening to new types of music, but isn’t a fanboy. He’s here to experience something new, so he can cross it off his list. He feels the need to record everything he sees around him, for an invisible audience to appreciate.

He likes making lists, and uses what he thinks is dry, disassociative humour. Other people irritate him, so he doesn’t bother engaging in pointless conversation with them. That doesn’t stop him from hoping they read his tweets anyway.

How to spot him: He’s continually tweeting his feelings about the gig. He might even blog about it later.


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